There’s a girl who has recently came to the house I’m staying at and her dad knows my dad. They are almost neighbours. My dad has a business back home a sort of internet cafe but I’m not really sure as I have not seen it.

Many times she has mentioned my economic status. Except I have none.

We were talking about how I needed a new laptop and she said why don’t you just buy it now. I said I’m not shelling out £900 no matter how much I want it and neither do I have that kind of money. Then she said why don’t you just ask your dad, he is rich and I know how much he makes a week.

Now this as you would expect floored me. I do know that my dad’s business is fairly succesful but what do we have to show for it? And I don’t know if it is because of her 19 year old mentality that doesn’t think about salaries and so forth but still it shocked me.

If I was rich and if I had money, why would I be staying in a house with people I barely knew begging them not to kick me out because I have no where to go. Or put up with the fact that a woman and her three kids just arrived as I am typing this right now bringing up the whole population of this house to 10 people. And that they did this just to get you to leave. Or that people smile to you in the morning but you know they curse you when they lay their head on the pillow at night. Or that on many occasions I’ve come close to starvation and not known where my next meal would come from. I don’t recall any rich person living a life like this.

I’m incredibly lonely right now and I’m not in the best of moods. I feel like I’m dying inside everyday. I’m not the person I used to be. My personality has been taken away and locked in a prison just like I have. I might have joy and hope but I’m not happy, I haven’t felt happiness since I was 9 years old.

God I’m just so sick of this.

Now this same girl, I never met her before but our dads know each other. A few years back her dad asked my father to loan him some money to pay for his other daughter’s rent. He gave it to him, at his time of need.

A few weeks ago this same man came to my dad to tell him to tell my mum and I to leave this house so that his kids can come and stay( he pays no money to the owners of the house in thanks and barely calls them) Because apparently my mum and I have fixed our place here and refuse to leave because we are selfish.

A few days later he went to my dad again to tell his wife and child to leave because they were making life difficult for everyone.  A couple of days ago I accidentaly heard a voicemail my dad left for them telling them he was embarrassed about the whole situation and  embarrassed about what we’ve done and how he didn’t know we were gonna be here. So now my dad is embarrassed by me.  My family is barely united anymore, my brother is engaged to a girl I’ve never met or spoken on the phone with and doesn’t seem to understand how hurt my mum would be if she doesn’t get to attend the wedding. My second brother had a go at me a couple of weeks ago that I was not appreciative enough and that I don’t seem to understand or seem to want to do anything about my life. He has also got a new girlfriend and I have to fight to get his attention.

You won’t believe the kind of stress I’ve been through these last few weeks. Just a constant stream of crap after another that I don’t know how to deal with.

And I know a lot of you readers would think if it were me I would leave, but guess what you’re not me and you have options, every homeless person or broke person has options I have none. If I leave this house I will die, maybe not the day after but I promise you that if I were to leave here and just go on the street I would die within a year and right now that doesn’t seem so bad.

I’m gonna go to bed now because I’m crying so hard in self pity and I don’t want people to ask me questions about why I’m crying.

Goodnight and thanks for bothering to read this.

p.s :Oh by the way as I am writing this the guest who just arrived don’t know that I just heard them asking about me, why I was here and if my mum worked and I just heard them laugh and close the door. What a great life!