This might sound like a very weird post but I sometimes feel like I am living a double life. I say one thing to people I know and then as I sit back I realise what a joke my life is to my supposed friends and acquaintances.

By Simpologist

The other day I was talking to a very nice person who I know but through different and sad circumstances I can’t be particularly close to them as much as I would because this person is practically my long lost twin,  but we talk now and again. We have shared interests especially to do with film. They are also an aspiring screenwriter and we bounce ideas of each other and generally just discuss things. They keep asking me about my university goals because he knows that I want to go there but every time he asks me I have to come up with a stupid lie or reason as to why I haven’t done anything about my life. Why I’m in a constant pause position and I always have to say ( to everyone I know) that I’m taking some time off to think about what I want to do with my life. That is the most uncharacteristic thing about me. I have known what I wanted to do with my life since I was 11. I had a plan: a good plan. And now it has all fallen to pieces. I am not a flake or uncertain about what I want to do in the future. I dream big, I have ambition and now I have no control of my life. 

With people I can only ever be vague and mysterious so as not to arouse suspicion or have conversation about myself, I despise talking about the bad aspects of me. For years I’ve learnt how to dodge questions and change the subject, how to reassure people that things will be okay when I have no clue what will happen to me. I used comedy and humour as a way to yell: “Look at me, I’m not hurting, if I am always smiling and laughing that must mean there is nothing wrong with me”

I’m supposed to be someone who prides on morality but feel like a liar and sociopath. The thing I detest most  is telling people what is really going on deep down, what has happened to me. That’s why I needed this blog, I had to tell someone because for years I have kept secrets, people think they know me but they don’t. Even to you readers I am not telling you every single detail about what has happened to me in my life. Partly because I don’t know where to start and because I’m scared you’ll be horrified at what you’ll  find. Everything I have told you about myself is true but there is still a whole lot more I haven’t told and I have never spoken to anyone about those things. 

One day when this is over I hope and thank God in advance that I will be able to. 

Thanks for reading and stopping by. 

N