Do you know what it feels like to wake up and have no purpose?
Posted by: homelessgirl on: July 7, 2009
I do.
Every single day I’m reminded of how much I have lost. All of us wake up for something, whether to go to work or school, have breakfast or go shopping. We plan on doing something for the day.
Today I woke up like every other day with no plan and no purpose. Nothing to look forward to and nothing to do.
All of me cries out in pain because I know that with each passing hour I am wasting away. Just an empty shell existing. I sometimes ask myself why I’m even alive. I cannot see a single reason as to why I am existing.
Is it to write this pathetic blog? To take my place as a member of my family. So my mother doesn’t have the experience of losing a child?
As I sit there writing this I can’t think or even imagine why I get to be alive and others who have done so much more are dead.
Why do I get extra breaths when my efforts have been nothing but a drop in the ocean. That seems so unfair to me
I don’t even deserve to be alive.
x Homeless Girl.
p.s I’m not planning on killing myself
6 Responses to "Do you know what it feels like to wake up and have no purpose?"
July 8, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Hi N,
I’ve read all of your posts (it took me a couple of hours) but I was hooked. I simply could not stop reading.
Obviously I have a couple of questions that I need to ask you. But first I have to mention that I’ve also read a good part of the comments to your posts and I haven’t been able to find the same questions that I am going to ask you. But if indeed there already had been asked I apologise in advance.
So, my first question is this: You’ve said that your father send you money on several occasions and that you’ve ended up so far spending almost everything, I somehow was left with the impression of 70000 £ don’t know why, on hotel bills, right? Well, couldn’t you have used a fraction of that money on some plane tickets to go back to your father in Africa?
I understand that your passport had been left in the house but surely you could have come back to take it, isn’t that right? I mean I can’t see how that could have been such a huge deal. It was really important to have it back.. And even without a passport didn’t you have some sort of ID’s like your ID card or maybe library card? You could have take the papers from your school and prove your ID. Plus, you said you were on a student visa. Well that fact alone wouldn’t had guaranty your way out of the country? I mean you were, and still are, in the track of authorities. Wouldn’t they be able to help you go back to your father? I mean some posts of yours seamed very, very serious and dangerous (suicidal thoughts are not to be joked about).
My second question: Why haven’t you and your mother go to a monastery and work your living there? You could have saved your father’s cash that way and surely your food and clothes problems would had been a thing of the past. Not to mention the horror of living with such people you’ve mentioned about. And in time maybe you could have had the possibility to rent an apartment. That, coupled with the fix of your ID’s issue could have permitted you to solve your biggest problems: a home + a job.
My third question: How is your mother handling the situation? Is she OK? Does she work? Doesn’t she know anyone who could have hired her without an actual place to live? Maybe doing some housework or babysitting?
My fourth and final question: It’s been almost two years and a half since your awful misfortune took place, if you could go back what would be the things that you would change? (I’ve read your post entitled ‘Regret Can Only Get You So Far’ but in there are mainly things you would have changed before losing your house. I’m talking about things you would change after that.)
July 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I forgot to tell you to be strong and remain faithful in God! And try to lurk away any dark thoughts because they really can’t change anything. I wish you and your mother to be healthy and as optimistic as possible!
July 8, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Drew, wow what can I say your comment is the most detailed I’ve ever gotten but trust me I am more than happy be to answer them. ( to the best I can)
-On the money my dad has sent it is no waaay near £70,000 pounds its more like a couple thousand. Trust me if it was that amount of money I would have fought tooth and nail to buy myself somewhere to live, even if it was roach infested and I had to buy it illegally. I would.
-About the passport thing. I did go back to my old house about 4 days after we left and the locks had been changed and we couldn’t get in contact with the ppl who repossessed the house so we had to make a decision to leave everything there when it became apparent that we couldn’t keep the stuff anywhere like storage space.
- I do have one piece of ID that has helped me loads but is about to expire next month. my mum has her passport even though its expired and mine has as well.
- I actually made a pact with my mum and self and God that if by January 2008 I was still homeless I would give up and go back home but I’m still here. It’s weird but its as if God doesn’t want me to live here believe me I researched all this and was even planning on going to the authorities but i just couldn’t. The option is this go home and never be able to return here, never see my friends or my home or anything. I think its because it seem ridiculous to me that after all i’ve suffered my only option is to return home a joke. I’d rather walk it out here.
- I didn’t even though there are monasteries here or do you mean homeless shelters because they do not help one bit. You have to be addicted to something or have been abused. And you have to be referred to by the local council and I went to do that but said I didn’t qualify for emergency help as I was not under 18 and not a citizen. Also because there was no proof to suggest I was in fact homeless and referrals would take up to two weeks through an evaluation process.
my mum is okay at the moment. Like I said she’s not that physically well and hasn’t been for a long time, she regrets almost everyday that she can’t work anymore and feels ashamed that she couldn’t provide for herself and me. Though she never mentions it.
Yeah if i could do this again the first thing i would have done would be to get an apartment no matter what it took. even if i had to lie to everyone.
I would have done a degree at the open university, then contact the immigration people explain everything and hope for the best.
but i don’t like to dwell on that because its too painful and frankly there is nothing i could do.
thanks so much for taking the time to read this blog and even commenting. Don’t worry I spend hours reading blog posts from the past of other ppl.
and again thanks for your kind words and God really is with me.
August 19, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Yes I do know the feeling ~ every day of my life. I rather ask myself those same questions, but I have been singing that old tune (“what’s it all about, Alphie”) for a long time.
I do not think we need a purpose exactly, except to live, love, laugh and be happy more often. To appreciate things of beauty, to do a kindness, even if it is only to smile at a stranger and compliment them on something.
I earn spare change (very small change) writing online articles for Associated Content. You write well ~ many, many former homeless writers and a couple who became homeless since I met them at AC.
Since you are a writer, you might want to check the site out.
August 31, 2009 at 9:10 pm
If you don’t know what your purpose in life is, it may be because you haven’t been able to realize it yet, that’s all. You do have a purpose.
No matter who we are or what we do, we have a purpose for being here.
Just in the course of a single day, we each have the ability to change people’s lives, did you know that? Yes, even homeless people (I am homeless myself, but by choice.)
It could be as simple as a smile that you give to someone walking by, a stranger. Even though they don’t know you or why you looked at them and smiled, it still gives them something to think about, might even make them a little happier inside.
They may remember you for a long time, and remember how they felt when you smiled at them. That might make them give someone else a smile and make them feel better, too.
It might be a simple “thank you” to a clerk. That clerk may have gone for hours without one person saying thank you to them for all the hard work they do for everyone else, but you did, and they appreciated it. It made them feel better. And because they feel better, they can go on.
We are all connected, no matter where we live or how we live, no matter if we are wealthy or only have three pennies in our pocket.
Simply smiling or saying thank you can change the course of the world. No man is an island. We all need each other.
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July 8, 2009 at 1:25 am
You have purpose and a lot of talent.