This may be an offensive post to some people who will probably think I have no idea what I’m talking about. This may also make people think I  am being over dramatic, but right now this is how I feel.

I’m not saying that having cancer is easy or any sickness is good. So let me get that straight.

This whole experience that I’ve gone through has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, the truth is I have no control whatsoever over my life.

Most homeless people or disadvantaged people have options in their lives. Even if you are sleeping on the street, you have the option to look for a job, to volunteer, to go on assisted living. I have none. I am a statistic that no one wants and an afterthought that has never been seen by society. I am neither here nor there but living in a world of uncertainty just barely hanging there.

But if I could trade my homelessness for someones sickness, I would take it. Not because I think cancer is less than homelessness but because my pain would be external and not internal.

I would be able to look forward to getting better or dying.  Either way there is an end.

I could go to a hospital and be in one place, I wouldn’t have to move around and beg people to let me stay in their house.

Even if I lay in pain I could control the pain with medication and lie in a bed for as long as I wanted. I don’t even have a bed to call my own.

Many times I wish I was someone else. When I have conversations with people I look at them thinking I wish I was you right now so you could take the thoughts I have about what I’m going to do next or the vast emptiness of where my happiness used to be. I wish you could take it so that I wouldn’t know the pain you are going through or the lies you tell every time some one asks what you are doing with your life.

I wish, I wish, I wish…

No matter how hard it will never come true. I just have to make the best of what I have.

Yours Always, Homeless Girl